FOR THE DOUBTERS

I would not have believed you if you would have told me that I was not a Christian ten years

ago. I prayed all the time, I had journals dedicated to the Lord, and I occasionally went to

church and read my bible. There was no way that I was not a Christian.

Then in 2018, after I prayed on my knees and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior for the first

time, I was absolutely certain that I was a Christian. A “for real” one. I read sections of the Bible

more and I downloaded plans from the Bible App on my iPhone. I prayed on my knees more

frequently, I turned many of my thoughts over to Him, and I experienced elevated joy more

often.

During most of my “Christian” life, I was into tarot cards, crystals, and moon rituals that had me

doing weirder stuff than I would like to admit. I believed heavily in something called quantum-

leaping and the power of manifesting. If I could only clean out my old, limiting beliefs, I could

ascend my current state of being and morph into a creature of light and beauty. I had a higher

understanding, and I knew that I could make my life as successful and impactful as I could

believe it to be. That was what faith was, after all. The deep knowing that something would be

yours before you had it.

As a confident Christian, and a powerful manifester, I had access to everything at my fingertips.

After getting ahold of the Gospel of Thomas, the Nag Hammadi, the Alchemist, and literature

on Hermetics, I realized that the powers-that-be of the world were hiding our true destinies

from us.

We were meant to be like God, created in His image. This meant that we could control our own

destiny and make demands as we would see fit to the universe. The rich and perverted people

of the world were trying to keep us enslaved and working, so that they could become more

powerful and enjoy their lives of luxury more. They didn’t even care how the rest of us suffered.

This is why they manipulated the Bible and used it to control us and keep us from thinking. For

if we thought and used our full capacity to realize our own existences, we would come to the

epiphany that we are “lower-case g’s”, or gods. Right down to our DNA.

But instead, we were trapped by the elites, who kept us controlled and poor. They were

calcifying our penial glands and dulling-out our spiritual connections, too. Everything they had

influence over was intentionally aimed at hurting humanity…food, water, the air, etc. Poisonous

and deadly to our divine birth rights.

So, I continued on, for a long time, convinced that bad inner- programming was the reason that

my prayers went unanswered, and my intention-setting rituals never came to fruition. For

years, I prayed the same prayers, thought the same thoughts, and did the same things. At one

point I even looked into spirit guides, and read literature about how to ask them for help. The

basis was these entities were your angels, and that they were always available to help you. You

had to trust them and be willing to invite them into your life, so that they could communicate

and guide you. Admittedly, this did not sit well with me, even back then. But I seriously

considered it.

I was constantly trying to escape from the grips of alcoholism, poor moral behavior, lying,

cheating, stealing. Porn and masturbation. Cigarettes, marijuana, unemployment, obesity,

depression, panic attacks. You name it. My life was full of disorder and chaos, despite being

Christian and super spiritual with all of my manifesting and sage.

No matter how much time I spent doing rituals and praying to the uppercase G, my mental

health was wreaking havoc on my life. Worse than it had at any time before. Being a victim of

childhood trauma, I always suffered with mental issues, but this was different. The mental

anguish eventually became a darkness that hovered over me, wherever I went. I got to the

point where I could no longer sleep, and I was always paranoid. I also started having intrusive

thoughts that would scare the daylights out of me. The only way I can describe that period of

my life (looking back at it now) was haunted.

I really began believing that I was incapable of the transformations that I so craved, and that

things in life were hopeless. I also started questioning why God had not answered any of my

prayers or delivered me from the hands of bondage and addiction. I felt so forgotten

sometimes, and so alone. I was isolated and living in a way that I was very ashamed of. I grew

contemptuous of myself and soon learned to hate myself. I was disgusting, and this was why I

had no personal power. I did not possess enough magic to overcome all of the shame that had

rotted my spirit since childhood, and I had to come to a place where I could accept that.

Throughout all the darkness and exile, God was always in the background, stored away for

emergency uses only. I prayed enough to survive, but that was all I was doing every day;

figuring out how to survive. There were no miracles being performed, and no encounters that

suddenly changed my life. Just a little voice that slowly grew louder over the next year or so.

Perhaps it was a little seed that had finally taken up some roots.

Even with the subtle voice, my being was utterly lost and confused with conflicting ideas about

reality and theology. My insides felt completely upside down, and I no longer had an identity

that I recognized. I was a double-minded man, for sure. I wondered around aimlessly for a very

long time after that, not knowing who I was anymore.

Eventually the voice that grew became undeniable, even as I was giving up hope in the whole

Bible. Did I really believe in Jesus? Did the stories in the Bible really make sense? Weren’t these

books man-made? Who was King James, anyway? Was I really a Christian? I began to suspect

that the entire story was a gimmick. And if it was, that was truly horrifying. Did that mean that

we were alone in the world, and that there really was nothing out there?

Out of fear and curiosity, I then decided to do the only logical thing that I could think of at the

time. I was going to read and study the Bible. The manmade, hatred-filled, deadly weapon of

the elites. Their book of lies, that was surely meant to enslave me. Even though I read sections

of the bible and did so more frequently, I had never set out with an intent to comprehend what

I was reading. Or to read it and understand it within the context it was written.

Up to that point, the only Biblical experience I had revolved around cherry-picked verses from

TV ministers or church services that I attended occasionally. Those were the highlights in my

Bible, along with a few Psalms that I loved. I had attempted to read different stories from the

Bible before that, but I had never been able to complete one. I did not understand all the time,

and I would get distracted or tired.

But I now had a new-found motivation to understand that book. I was going to decide, once

and for all, if it was a fairytale or something I should be living my life by. I would decide if it was

evil, or if it was well-intentioned. I would decide if these were God’s words, or the clever

authorship of ancient men with cruel agendas.

As I dove into the Bible and made time to read it more regularly, things started happening.

Although I still did not understand everything that I was reading, I certainly began to

comprehend the voice more and more as time went on. This voice began convincing me that

what I was doing with all of the New Age stuff was wrong. It began to suggest things that I did

not necessarily want to hear, such as parting with it and turning in a new direction.

Sometimes it did more than make suggestions, especially if I was not receiving the messages.

Sometimes it intervened by doing things that were undeniable and straight to the point, like

causing my “pocket” crystals to break in alarming ways. The second the last one broke, I was

left fear-stricken and in awe. Mostly because I received the message loud and clear: These

crystals are evil and God demands that you turn away from them.

Just like that, I stopped purchasing crystals and I stopped using them to do energy work. I

slowly became weary about the other items that I had in my possession as well, and I started to

think that I should destroy all of my New Age paraphernalia. Including the Tarot Cards that my

Great Grandma had bought for me in the seventh grade, and the Buffy DVD sets that I so

adored.

Then, before I knew it, I understood that evil was real, and that there were demonic

permissions and gateways encompassing my entire household. The DVDs that I owned and

loved…the TV, the music, the candles, the Mother Earth paintings, the Statues, the journals. It

was everywhere, and it was indeed casting spells and working magic on my family. I knew then

that it all had to be destroyed.

I began to realize that my disobedience to God’s Word was probably one of the reasons that I

could not believe like I wanted to. All of my participation in the other rituals was rooted in self-

worship, and evil in nature. I was literally going against God while I was trying to convince

myself that I was a Christian. How had I let this happen for so many years before coming to this

realization?

Finally, on May 5 th , 2023, I destroyed all my stuff in a large backyard fire. I threw all of my old,

“beloved” things in it, one-by-one. As I tossed the contents into the flames, I prayed and asked

God to forgive me for my dealings with the devil. I asked for forgiveness for my many sins of

witchcraft and sorcery. I also asked for forgiveness for all the individuals that I lead astray.

As I sit here writing this now, it’s late September of 2024. Over a year has gone by since I broke

my ties with the occult and New Age religion, and a lot has happened. I continued to struggle

with alcohol and food addictions, and I even reached my heaviest weight since 2010 (topping

out at a whopping 258.8 pounds). My health went completely down the drain, and I began

experiencing vision problems and issues with hypertension. Insomnia still reared its ugly head

frequently, and I still suffered from panic attacks and generalized anxiety. But it has been so

different from what I used to experience…

I finally realized that my symptoms and issues came about, or intensified, when I was drifting

away from God and turning away from Jesus. Although it took me a bit to catch onto this, once I

did it was a revelation. The less I made time for the Lord, the worse everything was.

The less I made time for God, the more unbelief I experienced, the more hopeless I became,

and then the world always made its way back into my heart.

My most recent revelations include that I have been living in the wilderness, and in

disobedience to God’s Word, for a very long time. I have been a “lukewarm Christian”, and a

backslider in my faith. I have not taken up my cross yet, nor have I fasted for spiritual purposes.

I realized I hadn’t even read the entire Bible yet! I also learned that giving up my will means

giving up control and false idols, too.

For too long I have been trying to follow God’s laws, unsuccessfully. For too long I have tried to

defeat the sins and the shortcomings that I have by willpower and force. For too long I have

lived in shame, not understanding why I was unable to change my heart. I prayed, repeatedly,

for deliverance and for Jesus to remove my sinful behavior. I would try and get so far, but it was

never long before I’d be back to my old ways. I could never quite “put on the new man”, if you

know what I mean.

After so many failed attempts to change myself, I finally received the Truth. I don’t change so

that I can have a relationship with Jesus Christ, I change because I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I cannot follow the laws of God on my own, for I am a fallen human being, with a sinful nature. I cannot save myself, only my Savior can do that. I understood, ultimately, that I would never be pure enough to make it to Heaven’s Gates on my own. I was actually able to

internalize what it means to “Let go and let God”, and I’m still working on that now.

I have learned that a large part of faith begins with letting go. You must let go of your ideas

about who and what you are, who you belong to, and what defines you. You must let go of your

friends and probably even some of your family too. You must let go of your current life vision,

and you must let go of your pursuance of self-serving goals. You literally must let go of the

world. Its habits, its media, its way of living, its self-centeredness, its ethics, its personalities, its

standards, its tolerances.

The next thing that I have learned about truly living for the Lord is that it begins with fearing the

fact that you are dying, because you are. WE may not know when, why, or how, but

nevertheless the only thing that’s guaranteed in this life is death. You have a clock ticking over

your head, and this is the one shot that you have. I have decided that I don’t want to waste it

being “hopeful” that God and salvation is just a myth, because that’s a pretty big gamble with

the highest stake there is. Even in despair and sadness, if God’s story is true…that would mean

that there is something worse than a great depression that awaits us in the afterlife if we don’t

attempt to seek Him with all our heart.

So here I am now, a mere beginner in matters of faith, even all these years later. Truly trying to

seek His face first. I hope that someday I am fully adopted into God’s family, and that I can help

new believers find their way to faith. For now, I am focusing on letting go of control and

expectations, and instead turning it all over to Christ. I am trying to enjoy the journey and

respect the Lord’s process for me. I am not on my time, but His. And with faith, even if it’s only

the size of a mustard seed, I can believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be –according to His plan.