THE BEGINNING

When I think about the life I have lived so far, I simply have to tell myself that the bulk of it has been experienced through the lens of "being in the wilderness". I began life in Northeastern Nebraska as a relatively normal child with a normal family, but by the time I was four my parents divorced, and eventually my dad abandoned my brother and I completely. A short time later we were adopted by a much older and abusive man. This man stole away any chance that we had at a "normal" upbringing, as he was a cruel and abusive pedophile. We lived with him and my mother in Sioux Falls for six years, with him being our primary care taker. The neglect and extreme abuse that we suffered at his hands altered our perspective of life and taught us to be hyper-vigilant survivalists at a very young age. My brother and I lived daily with old and new traumas, wondering where our father was, and praying that our rather aloof and narcissistic mother (sorry Mom! I love you and look at where we are all at now <3 ) would end our torment before we were 18. 

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Unfortunately, living with a monster for so long during our formative years kind of turned us into little monsters too, mostly out of instinct. We stole, we manipulated, we lied, and we plotted. These not-so-tasteful character traits were so deeply embedded into our personas that we learned to identify with them almost from the start. The shame and turmoil that this caused was absolutely enough to wreck our self-esteem and leave us with shame-based personalities. Identity crisis, say what? You can't even have one of those when you don't even have one to begin with?!

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Needless to say, we were not with him for 18 years. After turning him in for his sexual crimes against myself and others, he would eventually be investigated and opt out of life. Which would only cause more trauma, and unresolved pain. With no day in court, all the damage had been done and then the Sioux Falls portion of our lives would come to a brutal end. 

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THE MIDDLE: THE WILD-CHILD YEARS

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After Sioux Falls we would move back to Nebraska with my grandparents and great grandmother, who would become our sole providers and guardians. We went from a busy, chaotic lifestyle to a quiet, peaceful little town with nothing but safety and love. To say we were spoiled is an understatement.

 

My grandparents felt so guilty and upset about how our childhood went that they attempted to make up for it by letting us get away with anything we did. We went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum, and we literally never heard the word "no" after that. While I am so blessed and grateful that they rescued us, I also know that we became entitled, arrogant little brats too. During this time period we were constantly in trouble at school and with the law, and we hated my mother with a passion. We also met my biological father during this time period and would have many horrible encounters with him throughout these years.

 

These were also the years that I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and learned just how much freedom and liberation I could be granted via the bottle. We were raging, manipulative, law-breaking, drunks for many of the later years during this period. I also dropped out of high school and took out over 50k worth of student loans and personal debts during this era. 

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THE MIDDLE: THE WASTED YEARS

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That subtitle is meant literally and figuratively. Unfortunately as we became young adults, nothing went according to plan, so to speak. What did happen was severe addictions, crippling mental health issues, an abusive marriage, and the loss of a baby through ectopic pregnancy towards the later part. This era is where I became a grade-A alcoholic and my life only revolved around partying and staying up all night. There were so many other factors of this time period, but I can't remember half of them due to binge drinking. Which is what I am by the way, a BINGE drinker. I also smoked 1-2 packs a day during all the late nights. I binge drank heavily, and daily for at least eight years in "early adulthood". I could not keep a job, I had zero self-esteem, and I treated people very poorly throughout this decade of my life. I also learned that I absolutely HATED myself and that there was so much shame inside of me that I did not want to live anymore. I was truly a hideous thing. I still feel bad for all of the pain and suffering that I caused to myself and others throughout this period of time. This age lasted until I was almost 28 years old, unfortunately. 

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THE END OF THE MIDDLE AGES

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It should come as no surprise that there was no way I could keep living the way I had been for so long. Finally, in 2018, after a serious run-in with alcohol poisoning and (I would guess) horrible decisions, I abruptly decided to go to rehab in Jacksonville, Florida. I completely walked away from everything in my life for five months. I didn't ask permission, I didn't know what I would come back to, and I didn't know if I would want to be alive afterwards. But I did it out of desperation and it was my lowest point of life. It ended up being the second best decision that I had ever made, even unto this day. It comes only in second next to the decision to give my life to Jesus Christ. Which also happened during this five-month stint in rehab. 

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Anyway, afterward I did come back to Nebraska and I did continue to pursue my sobriety efforts. For a few months, anyway. But after eight months away from alcohol and old people and places, I decided that I could handle it if only I "OOVED" responsibly (Only On Vacation). So I partook in drinking again, but only while we were out of state or on vacation. But like all binge-drinking alcoholics, I would eventually fall into the EXACT same traps and lifestyle that I was in before. I even went back to the old people and the old places again. Only this time, Jesus was in my life. I was also practically a "New Age practitioner" at this point, so you can only imagine that spiritual / God complex. But without a doubt, my life was a total mess again and I spun around in circles for another six years without making any ground or having any purpose besides the drink. I added at least 700 plus more black-outs to my already-impressive blackout track-record, unfortunately. That was until May 5th, 2023, anyway.

 

 THE JESUS YEARS (THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT NOW)

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On Cinco De Mayo 2023, I decided to burn all of my new age paraphonilia in a fire in the backyard. I decided that I was going to turn my whole face to Jesus Christ, and that becoming a true follower was the most important thing in my life. I decided to stop doing things that I knew were wrong, and to find a new residence so that I could escape the old people and the old environments. It probably really helped that I had really upset people and become a laughing stock of the community, some of the reasons for which I am truly thankful that I have no memory of to this day.

 

Even being in a new place with different surroundings,  I continued (and still do) to struggle with my binge drinking addiction. It became less and less frequent at times, but it always made a comeback. I am finally ready to part ways with it forever, but I have more submitting to do before that sticks. But that's why I am here, writing this blog. I am waging a war on alcohol and mental health issues, and the only thing I am relying on to make it a success is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

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Even though I still struggle, so much has changed in my life thanks to Jesus Christ and his never-ending grace and forgiveness. I am going through a refining process and taking several good, hard looks at myself through the eyes of my Creator. I am still being made aware of sins and destructive thought-patterns that I am in bondage too. I am still realizing just how horrible of a person I am when I am away from Jesus. I am still learning that I cannot do anything that is worthy or lasting on my own power and accord. Only He can change my heart, and it's a process not the snap of a finger as I would like to have thought. I learn new things everyday, through every blessing and every mistake. 

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Here's what I do know about my life now...

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I am coming to the end of the wilderness. I have a great life, an ever-improving marriage, a close family, a beautiful house, a blessed business, and the will and motivation to start creating myself in the image of Christ instead of the image of trauma and leftover childhood business. And I know that I am transforming as a person, from the inside out. I know that my heart is more open and fuller now, and I know that through Christ, all things are possible. 

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I hope you will follow me on this blessed journey to route for me, to find your own inspiration, and to strengthen your connection with Christ too. I hope you'll enjoy the articles, find useful resources for yourself or loved ones who are struggling, and that you will frequent here often. I pray that you are working on becoming the best version of you too, and that you won't hesitate to reach out and make a connection with me! The more, the merrier. Above all else, we are all called to love each other with everything that we've got...so with that being said, the mission of my site is to offer unconditional love and help usher more people into the Kingdom of Heaven. 

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Please follow along with my journey, as the best is still ahead of us! 

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